I have in the past talked about surviving, striving and thriving.
Well.... for the last 6 months I have been deep in the surviving segment of my life. Sadly though, I had a terribly negative lens on it, often calling it 'struggling' rather than surviving. It’s funny how moving town; getting a new house; having a baby and starting a new job/position (for my husband) are things that are supposed to be the most exciting, loving, grateful and enjoyable times of your life, but when they're all experienced together at the same time, they can be the catalyst for an emotional, energetic and physical bomb going off.
In September last year my husband started a new position at his work, which involved intense study, a move back to the city and a commitment that split his focus and attention.
In October last year I had our second baby. It was a difficult and empowering birth that I didn’t really get time to process.
In November last year, we were due to make that physical move from the country back to the city, but a week before, bub number 2, at just 3 weeks old, got sick. He was admitted to hospital where he underwent a number of procedures where needles were inserted into him on a regular basis. Causing him distress, me distress and the whole family distress. We were transferred from a regional hospital to the city's main children’s hospital where we finally got a diagnosis - one that was "best case and that he would make a full recovery from".
But..... would he? Would I? Would any of us recover from the experience that we all endured. I mean, we would 'survive' but would we recover? I spent the next 4 months in a state of numb, isolating and confusing emotions. Everyone would tell me that ‘it’s ok, he won’t remember’.
'He won't remember' the 10+ needles he got in his lumbar and the 5+ cannula’s he had put in and replaced in his tiny body.
'He won’t remember' the nights of being woken every hour to be tested, poked and prodded throughout the night.
'He won't remember' that his cries and screams could not be settled and comforted by me, his mother.
'He won't remember' that his family were separated and apart for what was just a short period of time but to me, felt like an eternity.
'He wouldn’t remember'.... but, I did! And with everything I’ve studied, read and believe, I think his body did too.
For months he was sensitive to the touch, his body ached and he cried when he was alone. In fact, I had a similar reaction. Whilst I had friends and family checking in and showing their love and support for us, I never felt so lonely, so helpless and so sad in my life. Here I was, supposed to be the protector and mother to this little vulnerable and perfect human and I felt I couldn’t do either particularly well. I was sleep deprived, I was recovering physically myself, my heart ached and I just wanted my husband and daughter with us. You would probably not be surprised to know that I ended up with postnatal depression. While you may not, and as I read this, I probably shouldn’t have been either, but I was! I was surprised, embarrassed, confused and lost. How was I, this embodied, self aware and compassionate human so disconnected, numb and withdrawn from my life. The life I so desperately wanted. Two children, a happy husband who finally felt content and fulfilled in his work, living close to family...
With everything I knew, how did I make it here? How was I so lost and unsure about who I was and how I felt. I saw a psychologist, the GP and nurses and everyone validated how I felt but couldn't really offer anything significant to move completely beyond it. So with a mix of what they did offer, I was less foggy to finally realise what I really needed.... to FEEL into and BE with all that I EXPERIENCED - I needed to EMBODY the pain and the pleasure. I needed to feel the experiences, the emotions: the anger, the sadness, the loneliness, the resentment, the frustration, the disappointment. All the things that I, as an embodiment coach teach other women to do. To move through their suppressed, frozen tension and release it.
To allow new experiences to come, be enjoy and be fully experienced.
I am working through all these feels and know that I need to be vulnerable and patient. While the experience has felt hard, I am grateful for my sons health, my husbands happiness, my family's love, my embodiment tools and I really, truly, feel that these 'surviving'/'struggling' experiences, make me even more 'qualified' and worthy to help you, my clients. The women who also feel numb, unfulfilled or simply searching for a brighter light at the end of the beautifully chaotic tunnel.
Just know that any experience that we haven't really processed or felt - whether it be painful, pleasurable or anything in between can sit in our body as frozen tension until it is fully FELT. These suppressions are the things that are holding us back from living our best lives. So, who else is coming with me on this messy journey of self development.
So, I know that you haven’t heard from me in a long time. I apologise... but I have been in a place of growth, deep learning and creativity. I’ve talked about seasons in our lives before and I was certainly in my winter - my period of hibernation and regeneration.
During this time I found myself falling off the spiritual bandwagon, fighting all that I had absorbed and learnt over the last couple years of embodiment, intuition and spirituality.
I got caught up again in the hampster wheel of life and the negativity and frustrations that can come along with it. I felt the change. I felt agitated. I felt frustrated. I felt self pity. I felt alone. I felt unsupported. I felt ALL the feels.
Then.... the universe kept giving me a nudge. A little nudge back into my truth, my desire for peace and support. I found myself drawn back to the universe (or god, higher power, woo woo - whatever you call it) and I am so glad that I listened.
I am currently 34 weeks pregnant, staring down the barrel of some big life changes, potentially a physical move, increase in family and responsibilities for all of us, decisions and options that are endless depending on what scenario is going to be presented to us - all of which we can not make until it greets us AND all of this will happen in the next 4-6 weeks. A time when most would expect to lose their shit and be a nervous wreck.
Yet.... I am at peace. I have this inner calm and knowing that things will turn out the way they are meant to and that no matter how much I try and control and organise and stress about it... it won’t change the outcome.
What DOES change though, is my connection and emotion to it. I could be stressed; I could be frustrated; I could be questioning ‘why why why’; I could be letting it consume me and take away from the last few weeks of pregnancy (my last ever pregnancy); my last few weeks of it being just me, my daughter and husband; take away from this time, that we will never get back; all because I’m not present and too busy worrying about what could, might and will happen.
But instead, I am trusting that the universe knows what I’d like, but... more importantly that it will also serve me what I need. Even if that something is a challenging lesson, that I get to take with me and teach on to others. That my love, presence and joy in this moment is more important than anything else.
I choose calm. I choose to trust. I choose presence. I choose love. I choose joy. I choose to receive it all from the universe and from within.
Now, that I am calm and at peace, I am able to really feel and connect to my growing bub. I am loving and connecting with my daughter on a whole other level. I am appreciating and loving my changing body and I am stopping to really feel my feet in the sand and my heart in the ocean when I get to walk along the beach.
What do you choose?
Do you choose chaos; frustration; anger; distant from your truth and your family and your life? If you are not in a place of peace and calm and giving up that control, and constantly thinking about, feeling into and dwelling on the negatives, then.... I hate to tell you, you HAVE chosen to be and receive all those things.
Disclaimer: I and many other spiritual beings don’t live in this state 24/7, but we do the practices (meditation, dancing, journaling, learning, openly sharing...) to keep us on track. When I was in this disconnected state, over the last 4 months, I was constantly sick, I was miserable and I was emotionally out of control. It was one thing after another after another. I was waiting for the next blow and.... like clock work it would come (the universe brings to you what you focus on - the law of attraction). I did NOT like it one bit.
I’m so grateful I found myself back to my truth, back to a state of connection and peace. Because I do not want to look back on this time and regret losing the 'good', the 'bad' and the 'challenging' of this pregnancy; the connection it has brought to my family and the love and presence that it has injected to our lives.
So, find someone who YOU can spiritually bounce off, to bring you back from these human down spirals of life.
The more we raise each other up into consciousness and presence, the better we, our family and friends and the world as collective will be. You can choose to be raised or to be dragged down.
WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE?
please feel free to share (without judgement) what thoughts, feelings or emotions came up for you when reading this article.
~ Renee x
So, I have been very aware that I haven't posted on my Facebook or blog for a while, and have on many occasions tried to sit down and write. But, to be honest I haven't known what to write about. Creativity and flow is not something that comes freely when your thoughts, emotions and feelings are in any of the differing states of chaos. It wasn't even at this block, that I realised I hadn't done or used any of my feminine embodiments practices and tools, meditations or journalling for some time.
It wasn't until a persistent cough/cold hit me ALONG with a mouth full of ulcers AND THEN a painful and ugly coldsore emerged from my run down and overloaded body, that I knew haven't taken any time out for me. Time to really connect with and feel my own feelings, thoughts, emotions and felt senses. All the things I have learnt, embodied and taught to others over the past 12 months. I have resorted to old habits of ploughing through, suppressing and ignoring what was whispering, tapping, knocking and then kicking down at my door.
I have been in quite an overwhelmed, ambivalent and disconnected state the last couple months. I have had different work and career opportunities come up and some disappear; my passions and dreams challenged - by really, my own insecurities and ego; I have had some health issues identified with what feels like, big decisions nagging at me to make; and simply feeling like I'm not doing much of anything right at the moment. Your 'things' might be different, but whatever your flavour of shit is, I am sure you can relate.
I have felt so cool and calm on the outside, but a whirlwind of all the feels on the inside. So, in this internal intense state of overwhelm where do we even start??
Slowing down OR stopping.
As women with work, kids, business, commitments and/or just so many 'things'... how do we take time? Where and when you can.... JUST DO IT!!! We so often and too often put our needs aside and put others first. So, whether you need to ask your loved ones for help in taking some time out or simply putting a movie on for the kids and going to the shower or bath. Just take 10 mins, more if you can, and just be and feel!!! This is the first problem, we just don't stop to feel and process. THIS is where all the frozen tension starts and accumulates. Let whatever emotions and sensations come up or out, usually in my case tears (no matter what I feel)... but in your case, maybe a roar of anger, frustration, sense of disappointment, sadness, anxiety, worry...... god the list goes on. All these are just labels, so I invite you to acknowledge this label and then DIG DEEPER - WHAT exactly are you feeling.
For example, I get the lump in my throat, the constriction in my chest, a churning in my belly. Pick one.... the loudest one. And through deep breaths, tune into this lump in the throat and ask 'what am I holding on to?' or 'whats holding me back?' or 'what do I need to know?'.... there are so many different questions you can ask. So if another questions fits better here for you, ask it. Then just see what comes - thoughts, gut feelings (also known as intuition), visualisations, voices. I know this all sounds woo woo but it is so bloody powerful and something WILL come up, whether you let it or whether you judge and fight it, is completely up to you. Once you feel like you have fully felt through it.... JOURNAL. There are no rules with journalling. You are not writing for anyone else, you don't have to be careful with your spelling or punctuation, it doesn't even need to make sense. You just free write and let it out. Sometimes things come out that you haven't let yourself think or feel and it could open you up to something new. Then.... be kind to yourself. Share your experience with a trusted friend; your partner or if you don't have anyone you can or want to share it with, then you are more than welcome to message me.
HERE ARE THE STEPS AGAIN:
1. TAKE TIME - out for just you! Preferably someone that you can fully relax.
2. BREATH AND FEEL - I find it hard to feel it all until someone asks me 'are you ok?' so if you're like me. Verbally ask yourself 'are you ok?'
3. LET EVERYTHING COME UP - don't fight any of your reactions (unless its to harm someone - don't do that!!)
4. LABEL THEN DIG DEEPER - What body sensations are coming up with that emotion, scan over your whole body and acknowledge the areas of complaint.
5. PICK ONE - pick a sensation that is the loudest or most obvious.
6. TUNE IN - through deep breaths ask 'what am I holding on to?' or 'whats holding me back?' or 'what do I need to know?'....
7. LISTEN - let whatever comes up first be heard - however it shows up.
8. JOURNAL - write it all down. Free right it out, until you have nothing left to give.
9. CHECK BACK IN - how do you feel about that thing NOW? IF its frozen tension thats been there a while, you may need to do this a number of times or you may need to be guided, but doing this on a regular basis WILL allow you to feel flow, drop overwhelm and see clearly enough to move forward again.
If you can't or won't do any of this then the key is to:
BREATHE consciously and purposefully
Bring MOVEMENT in to your day, not just exercise but free, move like nouns watching movements.
And SOUND it out. Whether its going down to the back of the park and screaming, signing, chanting or groaning.
So, I will be taking some time for me tonight..... to do this and practice what I preach.
How awesome is it to know that even the embodied don't always have it right.
I do truly believe that our body talks to us and if we don't listen it sends us a very loud sign that will make you stop and listen. I just hope that you are one of few, that now knows how to listen, how to act and how to move through.... well, life as a feminine embodied woman.
I see you and feel you beautiful woman, don't let overwhelm be a reason for not shining your light.
As we move in to a new decade, most of us are reflecting on the last 10 years. All the personal development influencers say that 'you over estimate what you can do in a year and underestimate what you can do in 10 years'.
10 years ago... we were settling into a new life in Brisbane. The year before we experienced the life changing power of a flash flood. This flood washed through the town and the place we called home. At the time, losing all of our possessions felt like we lost everything that we worked so hard for. In hindsight, this natural disaster was one of those life turning moments, that put us on a different path.
My immediate goals of 2009 were to: get married, secure a Government Job and finish my Psychology degree (the degree I started when I left school 7 years earlier). I will admit I found it hard to dream too far ahead, only ever really being able to see a few metres in front of me. This was thanks to lack of confidence and many limits beliefs. The only long term goals I had were to join the Police and have a child. And those dreams were desires I had since I was a teenager, so there was really no 'dreaming big'.
Upon reflection, I have actually achieved, failed, learnt and grown SOOOOOOO much in the last 10 years and it makes me think... if I did that WITHOUT the tools, knowledge, drive and passion that I have now..... WELL, in the words of my 3 year old - 'HOLY MOLY' Imagine what I can achieve, fail at, learn from and grow into in this next decade. Look out 2020 and beyond.
This decade I promise myself, to be more fearless, more brave, more embodied, more in-tune and responsive to my own needs and desires, and not be afraid to strive and fail as often as I need. I also promise not to break the promises I make to myself, because I am the most important person in my life. If I don't have my shit together, then how can I be a great role model to my daughter? A present and loving wife to my husband? A calming and positive influence on the community and my clients? A caring, fun and understanding friend to the special people in my life? A happy, fulfilled and purposeful human?
I AM FEARLESS
I AM BRAVE
I AM EMBODIED
I AM STRONG
I AM ENOUGH
I AM WORTHY
Key Points I want to drive home:
* We may struggle to see the benefits in pain, failure and 'disasters' at the time, but time will reveal that there were lessons to learn and I believe it can be the universes way of nudging us in the right direction - even if its not the direction you wanted or even considered.
* You can live a good life full of achievements and growth, without having a big picture approach to life, BUT imagine how amazing your life can be when you invest time, energy, love, passion and purpose into your growth - you can achieve things BEYOND your wildest dreams, not just those in your childhood 'what do you want to be when you grow up' dreams and fixed mind.
* Self care, self reflections, boundaries and not breaking promises to yourself is so important in being the best version of you!
*Limiting beliefs and old paradigms can severely hold you back in life, the best part is you CAN change these and change the course of your life!!! (Many times over).
Happy New Year to those who made it on my page. I would love to hear your thoughts, reflections, lessons and goals for the new decade below. Be brave and share your promises below, help yourself stay accountable to who and what you truly desire.
They are EXACTLY that!! Difficult!
I believe that discomfort and fear are the main factors why we avoid difficult, yet important conversations. Conversations that we know we need to have. Whether it be with our partners, kids, family, friends, colleagues, or even the rude customer service officer that went to far with the customer in front of you. I will wholeheartedly admit that it never feels good BEFORE we do it - the scenarios of how it will go in our head is sooooooooooo much worse (the majority of the time) than the real deal.
From my experience, the long term anxiety, stress, worry and fictional stories you create in your mind, from holding on to the things that are consuming your thoughts and feelings - is so much more detrimental to your health, happiness, wellbeing and the quality of your relationships, than having that difficult and sometimes confronting conversation.
Opening up, being vulnerable, real and honest are attributes that are not only attractive and inspiring to others but can also be internally satisfying and personally rewarding - that is, if integrity is an important part of your life. Holding back, for fear of an outcome that you can never truly predict - whether that be fearing a negative outcome or backlash; offending others or avoiding further conflict, these are really outcomes that simply, you have no control over.
So, I wanted to encourage and remind you, that you can only do you.... you can't control others and how they react or behave to your truth. But at least thats on them. Knowing that you were honest to yourself and willing to get uncomfortable to better your relationship, or situation, no matter what happens is brave and empowering.
Most of these conversations that I have engaged, albeit through some tears and pain, have been so much more successful than I could ever imagined. It deepened my relationships, my connections and my love and I am so grateful that I now have the inner strength and tools to move beyond the uncomfortable to live a more fulfilling life with incredible and important relationships. And for those conversations that don't go so well.... WELL, how much have you lost from the way it was before anyway?
BE BRAVE, LIVE HONESTLY & EXPERIENCE AMAZING RELATIONSHIPS.
Are you holding something in that you need to share and express with someone in your life? Maybe its time to take that step forward.... to discuss the disconnect with you and your boss; the loss of intimacy with your partner; the distance between you and your brother; the lack of support from your father or the way you felt when a friend said something that hurt you.... gosh the list is endless.
If you do it from the heart, with love and understanding at the centre of the conversation, and not from a place of blame, fear or hatred, it can be the very thing you needed to close out 2019 and start off an incredible 2020.
x Renee x
Femininity is a word that I feel women have become estranged from.
I am the first to admit, hand on heart, that I actively avoided the term feminine, and would always describe myself as a masculine woman. I believed this, because I wore shorts; I didn’t do matching lingerie; I was not in touch or aligned with my own emotions; I swore and was disconnected to my body in sooooo many ways, most of which I had no awareness of.
Feminine characteristics for me were bitchiness, sexual attention, overemotional, needy and delicate. One of the many extremely inaccurate beliefs and stories that I believed and told myself so regularly as a young woman, that it became an instilled belief that I wasn't even aware of. I have since learnt that feminine embodiment is about embodying our feelings, flow, radiance, beauty and energy. None of which existed in my original definition nor none of which I believed that I was capable of exuding.
I am so grateful that I came across feminine embodiment coaching for my own personal, internal and external development. The empowering tools and knowledge that I have learnt, used and absorbed have been eye opening and life changing. I am even more grateful and honoured that I get to guide, support and coach other women to find their version of an embodied feminine woman too.
The masculine is about direction, penetration and go go go. Its about setting goals and achieving. Now, just to clarify you aren't either/or when it comes to embodying the feminine and masculine. In fact, life would be more amazing if you can have a combination - the yin and yang. But it is my belief that it is so important for us all, not even just women, to start from a place of feminine - feeling and flow and then direction and go.
I still wear shorts and have a potty mouth, but I am living life unapologetically as a confident, sensual woman who is sensitive to and connected to her body, womb and heart; who is learning to lead with the body rather than the head; who has challenged and changed many beliefs that are no longer aligned with her inner truth. I am finally living a life where I feel fulfilled, despite still having many things to change, develop and grow.
I choose to consciously live life with love, gratitude, faith, awareness and an inner knowing in who I am and what I am capable of.
So, beautiful woman, are you ready to reconnect to your feminine power and realign with your inner essence and truth?
Are you ready for feeling, flow and fulfilment?
Are you ready to see and live life as the real authentic you that has been held back for too long?
Contact me to find out more.
~ Renee x